Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Follow Me

"Follow Me" (John 1:43).
That is what you ordered me today. That is the third straight command from you on "following".
And every time it has been the same- Follow me.
I have been trying to do that for ages.
Tell me how, Rabbi.
I know. Deny myself, Take up my cross and Follow You. (Matt 16:24) I know that routine.
I have denied myself. My cross has long been on my shoulders.
The part which remains and which baffles me  is following you.
And today is the third day you have ordered me to follow you.
How am I supposed to do that, Rabbi.
What does it mean- Follow me?
All this time and up to this time I thought I knew what it means and now you and our holy mother have revealed to me  that I know not, that "follow me" beckons to the depths of my ignorance.
You were looking at me when you gave that peremptory order, that order from across eons which would brook no denial.
I have seen the severity of your gaze and I do not wonder that the traveler to Damascus fainted on hearing your voice. The sonorous voice I have listened to with awe.
But I am no longer afraid.
Tell me the meaning of "Follow me".
And follow you, I shall.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

The Second Day

Today you were more benign.
I did see you
But You chose not to frighten me.
And the Mother,
She too was all  smiles

And you took me to John 17:4.
What do you mean by "finished the work you gave me to do" ?
It is not over, rabbi
If it were over why am I still a sinner?
Why have people forgotten to love their enemies?

And the question I asked you yesterday
The question which infuriated you
Remains unanswered.
When will you tell me why you chose the path of suffering,
You who are part of god, and full of power.
I know the standard answers, Brother, but that is not enough
For I know that those answers are only partly right.

Maybe some day, you will regard me as worthy of the true answer.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

The Visitation

The Visitation

Rabbi and Brother
Today I saw you.
You have spoken with me before.
And I know your voice.
You have guided me before.
More than you, so has our forlorn Mother.
But today was utterly different.
The ancient crucifix in my hand worked miracle after miracle.
And I, Rabbi, had to run away,
Frightened of all that you were about to reveal.
No, Brother.
I now  know that I am not yet ready.
I now know that cup is not yet full.
I am not yet ready to see my most holy mother suckle you
But you chose to show me that,
And so did She.
And your divine face
Why did you choose to reveal yourself so blatantly
I cannot think of a worse description than that.
I saw fire in your eyes one moment and never ending sadness the next.
I saw your bearded face
Blazing one moment and crimson the next.
Most Holy brother,
I plead with thee
I am not yet ready
May be I shall never be ready.
Be merciful, like you are supposed to have said to those disciples
Maybe someday,
Maybe after I have shed this prison of flesh and bone
And blood and dung and mucus
Maybe then I shall be ready to understand what you are telling me now.
But till then
The fire in your eyes,
The limitless sadness in your eyes.
Maybe I am crazy, nuts, whatever.
But I saw you and I saw our beloved and holy mother,
And I cannot bear that vision.
I plead with you, dearest Brother
I beg of you,
Spare me.
Our Mother revealed to me once that I did not choose her but that she had chosen me.
Are you choosing me now?
" Follow me".
Is that your order?
But Rabbi, that path I did choose long ago.
Do you always frighten your followers?

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